I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
