if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Randomize
