We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
