I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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