and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
