I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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