Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
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Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
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Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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