She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
