Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
