My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
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