Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
