Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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