How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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