Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
