The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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