Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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