she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I pour the whiskey from now on
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
