my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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