The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
