god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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