Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
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Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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