ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I checked into jail on foursquare
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
