I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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