I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
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