Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
His nipple licking is glorious
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