The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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