I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
