i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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