Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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