I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
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he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
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Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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