I'm so fucking centered right now
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
