my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Randomize
