can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
