how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
