woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
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you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
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He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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