The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
he fucked my hip out of place.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
