If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
