Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
