I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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