he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
