The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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