ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
