i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
