He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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