if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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