I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
