I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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