Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
