I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
