i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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