Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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