we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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