Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
