Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
