how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
