I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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