I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
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Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
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2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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