Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
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