My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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