Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
