Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
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I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
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apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
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