he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
